I was slicing banana onto my toast this morning – as I like to do – when one slice fell and rolled across my toast at speed. It disappeared out of the corner of my eye and it was only after a minute or two searching the floor and under cupboards that I realised it had fallen precisely over another slice of identical size and shape, thus rendering itself invisible. Incredible.

This may be one of those ‘you-had-to-be-there’ anecdotes. But this is the forum for those after all. Along with the pub.

Harry Bananadini

Venturing out into the snow yesterday – wearing large and clumsy ski gloves – I attempted to hit the combination of buttons required to lock my phone. Only by hastily whipping my gloves off and jabbing the cancel key did I manage to avoid calling my boss at 7am on a Saturday morning.

This led me to thinking that a new version of the secretarial typing contests could be set up. A PREDICTIVE TEXTING IN SKI GLOVES CONTEST.

This kid is in trouble, his gloves are way too big to type out "evangelical". Or any other word.

Today:

The car was stuck on my road, wheels spinning with more ice ahead. I needed salt. Searching the kitchen all I could find was a small grinder that gives nice chunky pieces. Perfect for SALTED COD!! Not perfect for ice. I tried it. It worked a bit, but I had soon emptied it in a frenzy of grinding the like of which has not been seen since R Kelly was top of the charts. I searched the kitchen again. Time to try pepper and parsley. Pepper and parsley do not work.

Pathetic in the face of ice.

Choose your seasoning wisely.

These links are incredible

This is going to be a post with a lot of links in it. Links that are not related in any way to the extremely boring text that comprises this post. If you click on a link I will guarantee three things: that it will not be offensive in any way, that it will not have anything to do with the word(s) to which it is linked and that it will enrich your life. Actually I cannot guarantee that last thing, but I will try.

So, I need a few more words to link to. As good a reason as any for starting a second paragraph and introducing the subject of laminated work surfaces. They are more robust and they will wipe clean with the minimum of fuss.

Imagine if snow went up instead of down. It would get up your trouser legs.

If this one came true I would be competing in the Winter Olympics.

Imagine if everything you wrote on a napkin came true. That would be awesome. And I would have written about 172 novels by now.

If you needed a messenger bird, which type of Owl would you choose? I’m assuming, of course, that it would be a type of Owl, but that should be obvious to everyone.

I’ll kick off. I choose ‘Burrowing Owl’. Just because it would be funny to see it running and hopping over fences to deliver letters.

I bloody well hate fences. Grrrrrr.

Your turn.

Chipmunks are, of course, very very cool. Unlike the film. I don’t have a pet one, but if I did I was considering what I would call it. My ideas so far:

• Cubic (no reason)
• Thelonious (for this reason)

Then I ran out of ideas. Any ideas?

01/01/2010 – almost entirely binary. But not quite. I would like to formally invite everyone who reads this to a party at my house on the next entirely binary date. 01/01/10000. Bring a bottle.

But if I did have a combine harvester, I would give you the key.